So long, rats. This slumdog is about to get a mortgage
George Osborne is buying me a house! I had no idea he cared. But now he’s lending oiks like me thousands of pounds in deposits to Help us To Buy our own homes. And I’m googling glittering new-builds, cackling at becoming a filthy homeowning capitalist.
This first-time-buyer business is a real turn-up. I’ve spent most of my young professional life living in a squat. I say squat; it was actually a derelict East End boozer that the owner ignored eight of us inhabiting for peppercorn rent, with a Queen Vic-style bar, where rain came in the ceiling and mice through the floorboards. It made The Young Ones look posh, but it was the only way I could live in the capital and still keep myself in champagne and clothes.