Sunday Times Magazine Column: I want an App to improve my taste in men





They say “if you can think of it, there’s an app for it”. But they’re wrong. The problem with apps is, there aren’t enough of them. There are problems in my life that technology has not solved. I’m un’appy. (Case in point: I need an app that writes better puns.)

I need an iFlibbertigibbet app that deciphers what Russell Brand is saying. An iSlob app to tidy my flat. An iWork app that does my job. I wish we had an iCherah app featuring a computer-generated cross between Cher and Oprah proffering affirmative life-enhancing advice. I also fancy an iYolo app that identifies the least sensible course of action in any situation and encourages me to follow it. It will help me to do the opposite. The Childmindster app will babysit kids. The Croconutr app will scan my fridge contents and suggest innovative food mash-ups. Nutella and chickpea frittata, anyone? An app that tells me if he’s not that into me. A Dumpchat app, for me to call it off.

I’d like variations on existing apps. Flickr, but for videos; Snapchat, but for cat memes; Tinder, but for vloggers; YouTube, but only for 1970s comedy shows; Facebook for hipsters… hold on, is that Instagram?


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